Why I Kept Living

Originally posted on Facebook on Sept. 10, 2016. 

It’s been almost one year since the last time I wanted to die.

It’s morbid, yes, but today is World Suicide Prevention Day and so far, I have kept living.

I was 14 when it happened the first time. Winter has always felt like death to me, and everything I love dies when the darkness comes. It’s taken years and good friends to remind me that winter is only sleep, that spring is real.

Sometimes I still fight to find the light.

When I was a teenager, I never told my parents what I was thinking because we were a Christian homeschool family and I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t saved, I didn’t want to be dragged in front of the pastor to confess, I just wanted to stop breathing, I wanted to stop hating what I saw in the mirror.

Years and years later, I told them about the racing thoughts, the days where I didn’t know if I’d see another sunrise, the subtle self-harm that I lied to everyone about, even myself.

Today I had my first violin lesson in six years.

I gave up on violin during my freshman year of college because my dad let me attend rehearsals for church performances three times and forced me to back out each time. I fought him on it the final time, but my spirit was broken.

The third time this happened, I called Focus on the Family because I didn’t trust any non-Christian resources. I told them I was suicidal and I didn’t know how to be an adult when my parents still demanded my obedience. They weren’t able to help me. That afternoon, I ran across the Lifehouse Everything skit on YouTube, where Jesus pulls the gun from the girl’s head and fights off her demons, and sobbed. And so I kept living.

This fight is never easy, my friends.

There are often more dark days than bright ones. But some days. Some days, I play my violin again.

#wspd #ikeptliving #twloha

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